Falling in love is like getting up into handstand: it takes a massive amount of vulnerability, fearlessness, and a willingness to tumble down over and over again. Although not everyone is willing to at least try, everyone has the capacity (in their own way) to do it. It’s a skill that refines itself over time. There is a foreseeable fate to this: imminent humility, injury to ego, dedication despite possible dejection. What continues to call us back to love? The songs of the soul, of the heart. When two humans find themselves intertwined in spirit, lost in the moment of presence, this reinforces the driving force of love. Love is a magical elixir. We yearn for it, strive for it, desire it. Yet sometimes when we find it, we feel an immense amount of aversion to it. Fear rears its viscious head and challenges us. Shall we risk our perceived identities to dive headfirst into vulnerability? The answer, for me, is always yes; an emphatic “yes” to love. Even if heartbreak follows. Because having had the experience of love is far more enriching than not having had the experience altogether.
What happens to someone to reawaken them into life? For me, it was a traumatic and emotionally shattering experience with my father. Though heartbreaking, I’m grateful for the experience because it sent me into a deep need to understand myself, my tendencies, conditioning, unhealthy patterns, and so much more. Now I am not implying by any means that I am “fully awakened” or “enlightened.” Reawakening into this life is being present in this moment, right here, right now. It’s the act of bearing witness to the signs all around us and absorbing their guidance as best we can. It is the end of sleep-walking through life. After my experience with my father, I sought out a phenomenal psychotherapist who reintroduced me to my Self, my essence (Thank you, Jane).
I have always found such beauty in symbolism. It wasn’t really until my first time in college that I stopped finding meaning in the events and circumstances I found myself in. I was hardened, an atheist, and unwilling to be open to Spirit. Only recently have I just rediscovered how much I love symbolism, whether that be through the animals that cross my paths or the people that come and go in my life. Life is truly very beautiful and there are absolutely no coincidences.
There was a week when I saw three different animals of transformation. A dead mouse on Monday, a black widow spider on Wednesday, and a black garden snake on Thursday. All symbols of life, death, and rebirth. Though I could go in incredible depth about what I gathered from the mouse and snake, I’m still intrigued by and receiving messages from the black widow. The spider is a Native American totem animal whose medicine is weaving. She signifies the infinite possibilities of creation and urges you to not forget the divine path. I almost ran right into this beautiful animal, but fortunately was paying attention to where I was headed. She was right in the middle of her web, spun and attached conveniently to my car and my car port. I studied her for a moment and noticed a dark, sleek navy blue hue to her underbelly. She was magnificent and radiating from the morning sunshine.
I have been so wrapped up in the tiny details of my life and I didn’t realize it until this beauty spun her way onto my path. The word I keep hearing with her is co-creation. That we are co-creating our destiny with Spirit. It’s up to me to choose to pay attention, to be present, to trust. It is up to Spirit to guide, nurture, and support. I am participating in my life just as much as Spirit is, which, I will admit, can be frustrating at times. There are countless moments of me in my car shouting into the space, “What does it mean???” As I was explaining to my dear friend, Caroline, I sometimes feel like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, asking tirelessly “What does it mean, what does it mean?”
Here’s a clip of that very scene, just in case you want a refresher. Starts at 1:18.
So what DOES it mean? What have I taken this to mean? Presence. Patience. Practice. It is all a practice and I need to have patience with myself. I have to continue to allow myself to fuck up sometimes, because it’s going to happen, and that is absolutely okay. Additionally, I get to choose where I will find more creation: my home or travel. These two things are evident in where the black widow was between, my car port and my car. My home and my ability to move. While I have been structuring my home and making my space sacred, I am certainly ready to move and travel. Yet, I find a great deal of impatience around it. I feel the urges of my soul to move, move, move. Find my PhD advisor yesterday! Apply to the program! Start my research! Move to the place! DO EVERYTHING!!! Spider is telling me that I will do that, but there is a vast amount of other things that must happen first. Have patience. Trust in the divine plan. Know that universal energy is working in my favor.
Know that universal energy is always working in your favor and the path will unfold in exactly the way it is meant to. That is the spider.